love.

I love you guys. Each and every one of you. I can't wait to be together with everyone on Tuesday.

everyone else is doing it...

Time for an update I guess because all you poopers are doing it.

Yesterday and trying to get home was a big ball of frustration. After (finally) finishing Adam's scarf at 2 AM and then getting to sleep around 3 AM, I was awake again at 8:30 for breakfast in my RD's apartment, and then closing room checks (which I didn't actually participate in, I just wrote up the people who had issues). I got to pack then, and loaded up my car. I had already been planning on bringing Jamie home with me and then to the Rochester Airport so she could fly to California, where she lives, and that was fine. Then, about 5 minutes before we're about to leave, Perry, another RA who lives in Florida, calls me and says that she's trying to get a different flight that would leave from Rochester too, so could she get a ride. The only catch was that she didn't know yet, and it was going to be 15 minutes before she did. So I ran to Wegmans to pick up my prescription, and on the way back she called me and informed me that she did need a ride, and that her plane was taking off at 4:50. It was 2:00 at this point. She needed to be at the airport around 4, it takes 1:15 to get to my house, and another hour to get to the airport. We didn't leave campus until 2:15, I was freaking out, etc. and then my wiper blades decided to not clear the windshield right in front of my face. Excellent. Got out at the gas station in Ovid, fixed that, made it home, and her flight ended up being delayed until 5:30 anyways. Yay.

So after we got back from airport shenanigans, I laid down on the couch (best. couch. ever.) and fell asleep. Glorious. Then, I woke up, and realized that I'm a dumbass and left my glasses at school. Epic failure. I'm vaguely contemplating going to get them at some point if the weather gets better, because it's pretty miserable. I can't take my contacts out until I'm ready to go to sleep, and I have to put them in as soon as I get up. Ugh. So, anyways, for some reason that prompted a meltdown? I was just really irritated at myself, and just wanted to be back at school so all my stuff could be in one place. I could never deal with divorced parents, I'm big on being in one place, with all my stuff. Anyways, Elizabeth came in as I was being a hysterical mess, calmed me down, and then we talked for a bit which was nice. We get on each other's nerves pretty quickly when we get home, but I do miss her quite a bit and it's nice to talk once in a while.

Oh, the other thing that sucked was because my parents were worried about the weather today, Dad and Elizabeth went out and bought a pre-cut Christmas Tree instead of doing what we had planned, which was to go out today and cut down a tree like we usually do... bummer. We decorated it today though, and it looks lovely.

Today was great, kinda putzed around the house a bit, started Andy's scarf, Adam came over to get his (awesome) scarf and we played MarioKart and watched How The Grinch Stole Christmas (the new one... my favorite.) and then I went to Andi's (Andrea...) house for dinner and met Nacho. Then we went ice skating. It was good fun. Can we pleaseeee go ice skating when we visit you, Andy? Pleaseee? The nice thing about where we go is it's $7 for skating and rentals. Glorious.

It's pretty nice to be home... I miss you guys already, and although my parents are great, it's hard not to get frustrated over little things, like not letting people come over for a bit after skating. Whatever, I'm used to it I guess. We're trying to talk my dad into letting us get a kitty, since Grace (my cat) died a little after Easter this year. One of my favorite Christmas things was when Grace would knock down the wise men next to our creche, so it'll be weird to not have that this year. I guess Bella could just trample them in her horse-like way, but it's just not the same.

Being home brings back a lot of the frustrations of high school for me. A lot of my friends pull the OMG, we HAVE to hang out!!!!! thing, and then won't make any effort to see me. Some friends I just know I won't see, which is hard, but I guess we're just growing apart. I was usually the one to organize stuff in high school, and I'm sick of doing it now. If they want to see me, they can call. Whatever. I also seem to have a lot of friends that just talk at me. Like, they don't really care what's going on with me, they just want someone to talk at who will make some sort of noise in response, or act the way they want you to after they talk for 1/2 an hour. But as soon as I'm able to get a word in edgewise, I feel like I'm talking about myself too much, and stop. And they continue. Problem? Probably. I don't know how to fix it. One of my friends at school is like that, she only calls or comes to hang out when she need to bitch about her friends that she basically ditched me for. Such a good friend.

Ok, I am waaaayyyy Negative Nancy right now, moving on.

One thing I love about being home and in my room is that I'm on the end of the house. So when the wind is whipping, like right now, it hits the wall/corner right next to my head and it's loud (for being wind) and awesome. It's like that when it rains, and it's my favorite thing; so soothing. It just sounds so wintery outside, and even though it's FREEZING in my room, I have a heated mattress pad (soo nice.) so that's a little warmer. I forgot to turn it on last night though, that was miserable. I need one of those things... a snuggie? because my hands and arms are freezing right now. Alright. Knitting time. Andy, your scarf looks badass.

Love you guys, I miss everyone.

"Mending Wall"

Something there is that doesn't love a wall,

That sends the frozen-ground-swell under it

And spills the upper boulder in the sun,

And make gaps even two can pass abreast.

The work of hunters is another thing:

I have come after them and made repair

Where they have left not one stone on a stone,

But they would have the rabbit out of hiding,

To please the yelping dogs. The gaps I mean,

No one has seen them made or heard them made,

But at spring mending-time we find them there,

I let my neighbor know beyond the hill;

And on a day we meet to walk the line

And set the wall between us once again.

We keep the wall between us as we go.

To each the boulders that have fallen to each.

And some are loaves and some so nearly balls

We have to use a spell to make them balance:

"Stay where you are until our backs are turned!"

We wear our fingers rough with handling them.

Oh, just another kind of outdoor game,

One on a side. It comes to little more:

There where it is we do not need the wall:

He is all pine and I am apple orchard.

My apple trees will never get across

And eat the cones under his pines, I tell him.

He only says, "Good fences make good neighbors."

Spring is the mischief in me, and I wonder

If I could put a notion in his head:

"Why do they make good neighbors? Isn't it

Where there are cows? But here there are no cows.

Before I build a wall I'd ask to know

What I was walling in or walling out,

And to whom I was like to give offense.

Something there is that doesn't love a wall,

That wants it down." I could say "Elves" to him,

But it's not elves exactly, and I'd rather

He said it for himself. I see him there,

Bringing a stone grasped firmly by the top

In each hand, like an old-stone savage armed.

He moves in darkness as it seems to me, 

Not of woods only and the shade of trees.

He will not go behind his father's saying, 

And he likes having thought of it so well

He says again, "Good fences make good neighbors."

--Robert Frost

meltdown mode

so, tonight was rough. I was fine, knitting, watching Grey's, everything was fine. Martine called afterwards and wanted me to come visit, but I wanted him to come visit. whatever. Basically neither one of us wanted to walk, which is understandable. 

So, Grey's was sad because these two sisters got into a car accident and the older sister who was driving ended up brain dead in a coma. So that already had me worked up, because (I think from seeing my Granddad so sad about Grandma Gigi passing away) I just don't know how I'll cope with deaths in my immediate family, which then makes me think that maybe it's just not worth caring about people and loving people, because all that ever happens in the end, no matter what, is someone dies. Someone is left alone, heartbroken. And I don't want that to ever happen.

ok, this is depressing, moving on.

so. I was already feeling kind of sad, then Martine called, left it that he was going to call me back after he called Andy and talked about plans for tomorrow. So, between the time I get off the phone and the time Martine calls back, I manage to get myself pretty worked up and hysterical, and all that's running through my head is that I'm all alone, and that I have no one to talk to. For some reason I just really wanted to hug my sister, but that wasn't really an option, and I didn't want to call her because then she'd get worried. So yeah, by the time Martine calls back I've managed to work myself up into a nice meltdown, which Martine could apparently hear, and I HATE crying in front of people, so just I hung up. and turned my phone off. and sobbed. and then realized I was being stupid and rude to Martine, so I turned the freaking phone back on, texted him, got another call (which let me tell you I sooo didn't want to answer it, but I did.) and tried to explain, but it wasn't really effective. got off the phone with martine, did a little more sobbing, then calmed myself down.

So the problem is, I can't really explain why this happens. I don't know, and I think that's part of what gets me going, is that I don't know what's wrong. When this used to happen at home, my parents would ask me what was wrong, and they would get so frustrated with me when I couldn't tell them. I just feel incredibly sad, and just can't deal with it.

So. Martine, I'm sorry you had to be on the receiving end of all of this. It's embarrassing to just breakdown, and I'm sorry if I freaked you out.

sorry guys, this is way melodramatic, just wanted to let you know where I'm at (where I am?). 

I wrote this a few days ago, and never got around to posting it!!!

Well I'm on office duty, and seeing as no one is locked out at the moment, leaving me with nothing to do (other than my anthro paper which I am avidly avoiding), I might as well update. South Carolina was nice, although it made coming home to snow that much harder. It's niceish to be back at school, I didn't miss being here per se (although I missed my room and having all my stuff in one place), but I definitely missed my friends. 

Lately I've been feeling a bit of an identity crisis, mostly in the sense that I feel like the person I am outwardly, that everyone sees, is drastically different from the me in my head... The only problem with this realization is that I have NO IDEA who the me in my head is. Like, I don't know how to express that person. It's really frustrating, because I feel like sometimes the situations I'm in dictate how I act, but that's a trait that has always frustrated me in other people. I guess a sort of example of the "me discrepancy" would be my schoolwork. I'm a perfectionist, so I want everything to be perfect when I turn it in, yet I can't seem to start ANYTHING until the night before it's due. Recipe for disaster, right there. I know I should start it, and I think about starting it, but then two hours later, there I am, still not getting any work done. Like right now. I soo don't need to be writing this. But here I am. Avoiding work. Once I sit down and do it, I know I can get through it quickly, it's just getting started. 

On a side note about the perfectionism, I get to the point where I can get obsessive-compulsive about it. I used to be a lot worse in high school, but I guess I've learned to rein it in. Lately though, I've noticed that coming back. Pretty much what happens is something will set me off, and I'll start to get really agitated, and like, I know something is wrong, but I can't for the life of me tell you what it is. I just feel upset. In high school in math class this used to get me, I wouldn't be able to draw a straight line and I would be so upset about it, and trying to do it so many times that I would be almost in tears because I couldn't draw line straight, or draw a circle, or whatever. In elementary school I would get so frustrated through out day that I would get home and just cry, because I had been holding it in for so long. I hadn't felt agitated like that in a few years, but I've been noticing lately that it's coming back. I'll be super happy, and then 5 minutes later I feel like crying for no reason.