meltdown mode

so, tonight was rough. I was fine, knitting, watching Grey's, everything was fine. Martine called afterwards and wanted me to come visit, but I wanted him to come visit. whatever. Basically neither one of us wanted to walk, which is understandable. 

So, Grey's was sad because these two sisters got into a car accident and the older sister who was driving ended up brain dead in a coma. So that already had me worked up, because (I think from seeing my Granddad so sad about Grandma Gigi passing away) I just don't know how I'll cope with deaths in my immediate family, which then makes me think that maybe it's just not worth caring about people and loving people, because all that ever happens in the end, no matter what, is someone dies. Someone is left alone, heartbroken. And I don't want that to ever happen.

ok, this is depressing, moving on.

so. I was already feeling kind of sad, then Martine called, left it that he was going to call me back after he called Andy and talked about plans for tomorrow. So, between the time I get off the phone and the time Martine calls back, I manage to get myself pretty worked up and hysterical, and all that's running through my head is that I'm all alone, and that I have no one to talk to. For some reason I just really wanted to hug my sister, but that wasn't really an option, and I didn't want to call her because then she'd get worried. So yeah, by the time Martine calls back I've managed to work myself up into a nice meltdown, which Martine could apparently hear, and I HATE crying in front of people, so just I hung up. and turned my phone off. and sobbed. and then realized I was being stupid and rude to Martine, so I turned the freaking phone back on, texted him, got another call (which let me tell you I sooo didn't want to answer it, but I did.) and tried to explain, but it wasn't really effective. got off the phone with martine, did a little more sobbing, then calmed myself down.

So the problem is, I can't really explain why this happens. I don't know, and I think that's part of what gets me going, is that I don't know what's wrong. When this used to happen at home, my parents would ask me what was wrong, and they would get so frustrated with me when I couldn't tell them. I just feel incredibly sad, and just can't deal with it.

So. Martine, I'm sorry you had to be on the receiving end of all of this. It's embarrassing to just breakdown, and I'm sorry if I freaked you out.

sorry guys, this is way melodramatic, just wanted to let you know where I'm at (where I am?).